Lines You Won't Hear in Starship Troopers
by Universal Queen
Summary: Compiled for your enjoyment, the following is a list of what I strongly believe are fictional outtakes and hysterical extended scenes from the Paul Verhoeven film, Starship Troopers. CONTAINS SPOILERS! Comments and reviews welcome, as per usual.


**Lines You Won't Hear in Starship Troopers**

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters quoted here. None whatsoever. They are the exclusive property of Robert A. Heinlein, Edward Neumeier, and Paul Verhoeven. All of the embellishments are mine, but the script dialogue is (as far as I can tell) Mr. Heinlein's and Mr. Neumeier's. I make no money writing this—it is purely art for art's sake. Thank you, and enjoy.

* * *

Outtake #1: 

(_Opening lines_.)

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Young people from all over the globe are joining up to fight for the future.

**Soldier #1**: I'm doing my part.

**Soldier #2**: I'm doing my part.

**Soldier #3**: I'm doing my part.

**Young kid dressed up as a soldier**: I'm doing my part too.

(_The soldiers laugh, as the kid pretends to blast enemies with his plastic rifle._)

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) They're doing their part. Are you? Join the Mobile Infantry and save the world. Service guarantees citizenship—not to mention a bug-free future.

**Young kid**: Bugs suck! Suck it dry! KILL 'EM ALL! POW POW POW! (_clutches his side_) AH FUCK I'VE BEEN HIT—

(_Cut to_ "We are experiencing technical difficulties" _sign_)

* * *

Outtake #2: 

(_Jean Rasczak is teaching History class_.)

**Jean Rasczak**: All right, let's sum up. This year, in history, we talked about the complete and utter failure of democracy. How the social scientists of the 21st Century brought our world to the brink of chaos. We talked about the veterans, those brave sons of guns, how they took control of the weak and wobbly government and imposed the stability that has lasted for generations since. We talked about the rights and privileges between those who served in the armed forces and those who haven't—therefore called citizens and civilians. (_points to a student_) You. Why are only citizens allowed to vote?

**Student**: It's a reward. Something the federation gives you for doing federal service.

**Jean Rasczak**: No. Wrong. Something given has no basis in value—like that stupid peace pamphlet some punk left in my desk… No. When you vote, you are exercising political authority—you're using force. And force, my friends, is just another flowery word for violence—the supreme authority from which all other authorities are derived.

(_Dizzy Flores tentatively raises her hand_.)

**Jean Rasczak**: Yes, Ms. Flores?

**Dizzy Flores**: My mother always told me that violence doesn't solve anything.

**Jean Rasczak**: (_sarcastic_) Really? Your mother? Interesting. I wonder what the city founders of Hiroshima would have to say about that. (_points to Carmen_) You.

**Carmen Ibanez**: They wouldn't say anything. Hiroshima was destroyed.

**Jean Rasczak**: Correct. Violence has resolved more conflicts than anything else. The contrary opinion that violence doesn't solve anything is merely wishful thinking at its worst.

**Dizzy Flores**: (_raising her hand_) But the people of Hiroshima who survived the attack—

**Jean Rasczak**: (_interrupting_) —You wanna fight, Ms. Flores?

(_Pause_. _Jean Rasczak grins wide-toothed, threateningly clenching and unclenching his mechanical fist_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: (_eyeing his metal fist_) No, sir, I don't.

**Jean Rasczak**: (_through a forced smile_) Then kindly shut your noise-hole, unless you're cruising for a failing grade.

* * *

Outtake #3: 

(_After History class, Johnny Rico approaches Jean Rasczak_.)

**Johnny Rico**: Mr. Rasczak, I want to join the Federal Service and become a citizen. But my dad thinks I should go to college and remain a civilian as he has. What should I do?

**Jean Rasczak**: Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.

(_Pause_.)

**Johhny Rico**: So, join up and screw what my dad thinks?

**Jean Rasczak**: Sure, why not? College is for wimps, anyway.

**Johhny Rico**: My dad went to college.

**Jean Rasczak**: Don't worry, Johnny, it's not your fault that your dad's a wimp.

* * *

Outtake #4: 

(_Dizzy and Johnny are new in the Roughnecks, but recognize Lieutenant Rasczak as their former history teacher. Johnny is pleased; not so much with Dizzy_.)

**Jean Rasczak**: This is for all you new people: I only have one rule. Everyone fights. No one quits.

**Dizzy Flores**: Sir, that's two rules, sir.

**Jean Rasczak**: It's _one_, Flores—and the rest of you will obey my rule. You don't do your job, I'll shoot you myself. You get me?

**Johnny Rico & All Other Soldiers**: We get you, sir!

**Dizzy Flores**: Sir, no I don't. You said two separate sentences that mean different things. Grammatically, that's two rules, sir.

(_Jean Rasczak gets up close in Dizzy's face_.)

**Jean Rasczak**: You wanna fight me, Flores?

**Dizzy Flores**: Sir, I'm supposed to fight the bugs, sir.

**Jean Rasczak**: YOU WANNA FIGHT ME, SOLDIER?

**Dizzy Flores**: Sir, no, sir!

**Jean Rasczak**: Then knock of the wise-assery before I backhand you.

* * *

Outtake #5: 

**Jean Rasczak**: (_to Johnny Rico_) You once asked me for advice. You want some now?

**Johnny Rico**: Not particularly, no.

**Jean Rasczak**: Well too bad, 'cuz I'm giving it to you anyway. Never pass up a good thing. Especially if it's got tits and ass—hit that shit while you still can, boy.

* * *

Outtake #6: 

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Join the Mobile Infantry and save the Galaxy. Service guarantees citizenship. Would you like to know more? Or would you be more interested in a marathon of "Murphy Brown" reruns?

* * *

Outtake #7: 

**Jean Rasczak**: You see a bug hole, NUKE IT!

**Dizzy Flores**: Sir, there's got to be a better way to do this—nukes are fucking hell on the environment, sir.

**Jean Rasczak**: Don't puss out on me, Flores! Pick up your damn nukes!

* * *

Outtake #8: 

(_Johnny Rico, completely hammered, is accosted by a television reporter and asked about the bugs_.)

**Johnny Rico**: (_shouting_) I'm from Buenos Aires, and I say kill 'em all!

**Reporter**: You mean the bugs?

**Johnny Rico**: (_rolling his eyes_) No, I mean the gringos. _Of course_ I mean the bugs, you gringo!

* * *

Outtake #9: 

**Ace Levy**: Shoot a nuke down a bug hole, you got a lot of dead bugs.

**Shujumi**: Really? I always thought you'd win the lottery.

**Ace Levy**: What are you, stupid? Dead bugs ain't worth _shit_, man—no fucking market.

**Shujumi**: Newsflash—I was being sarcastic.

* * *

Outtake #10: 

**Jean Rasczak**: I expect the best and I give the best. Here's the beer. Here's the entertainment. And I managed to get a couple of playmates to spend the evening in Tent 16, but there's only four, so you'll have to share. Now have fun. That's an order.

**Private Sugar Watkins**: Sir, shouldn't someone be watching for bugs, sir?

**Jean Racszak**: (_pointing to Watkins_) Someone has just volunteered himself.

**Private Sugar Watkins**: (_under his breath_) Damn it…

* * *

Outtake #11: 

**Sky Marshal Dienes**: (_at the podium_) We must meet this threat with our courage, our valor, our machine guns, our nuclear weaponry—and indeed with our very lives—to ensure that human civilization, not insect, dominates this galaxy now and always! BUGS CAN SUCK IT! SUCK IT DRY!

* * *

Outtake #12: 

(_Johnny is delivering a eulogy at Dizzy's military space funeral_.)

**Johnny Rico**: Someone asked me once if I knew the difference between a civilian and a citizen. I know now. A citizen has the courage to make the safety of the human race their personal responsibility. Moreover, a citizen has the strength to take one for the team. Dizzy was my friend. She was a soldier. She was a citizen of the Federation. But most importantly, she was extremely well-versed in oral, anal, hand-jobs, wheelbarrows, several positions from the Kama Sutra, and even the backwards cowgirl—as well as being, in all her everyday dealings, a damn fine piece of ass. It gives me an overwhelming sense of pride to have had all sorts of kinky sex with Dizzy, on behalf of all of our team-mates, who will probably never get laid. Ever. We'll miss you, Dizzy. Have fun boffing Jesus.

* * *

Outtake #13: 

**Carl Jenkins**: We thought there might be a Brain Bug on 'P'.

**Carmen Ibanez**: You knew and still you sent them?

**Carl Jenkins**: We couldn't afford to launch an operation if there wasn't one.

(_Both Carmen and Johnny glare at Carl with contempt_)

**Carmen Ibanez**: Why, you no good—

**Johnny Rico**: —son of a bitch!

**Carl Jenkins**: You disapprove?

**Carmen Ibanez**: What the fuck do you think, genius?

**Carl Jenkins**: Well, too bad! We're in this war for the species, boys and girls. It's simple numbers. They have more. And every day I have to make decisions that send hundreds of people like you to their deaths.

**Johnny Rico**: Didn't they tell you, Doogie Houser? That's what the Mobile Infantry is good for.

**Carl Jenkins**: My name is Carl.

**Johnny Rico**: Not anymore, it's not.

* * *

Outtake #14: 

(_Johnny Rico has found the Brain Bug in its underground lair_.)

**Johnny Rico**: You're some sort of big, fat, smart-bug, aren't you?

**Brain Bug**: (_V_._O_.) Well, I don't like to brag, but I _did_ answer every question on Jeopardy…

* * *

Outtake #15: 

(_Dizzy Flores has been mortally wounded and is in her death-throes_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: Rico, I'm gonna die.

**Johnny Rico**: No, you're not gonna die.

**Dizzy Flores**: It's OK, because I… (_coughs_) I… (_hacks up blood_) I won't… ever… (_gasps_) have to…fuck you… again…

* * *

Outtake #16: 

**Zander Barcalow**: Don't exceed port speed.

**Carmen Ibanez**: Or what?

**Zander Barcalow**: Or they revoke your flight status... and mine.

**Carmen Ibanez**: (_Smiling_) Your career is in my hands.

**Zander Barcalow**: (_under his breath_) I know something else that could be in your hands…

**Carmen Ibanez**: Huh?

**Zander Barcalow**: Nothing.

* * *

Outtake #17: 

(_Johnny comes to a sad realization_...)

**Johnny**: M.I. does the dying. Fleet just does the flying. And perhaps a bit of the spying. And _not_ the dying. Goddamn Fleet…

* * *

Outtake #18: 

(_After Rico gets a "Dear John" video from Carmen._)

**Ace Levy**: Ain't it great how they want to be your friend right after they rip your guts out?

**Johnny Rico**: Goddamn it…

**Ace Levy**: Hey, cheer up, buddy. I got an idea. What's say you and me go out for a couple burgers, hit the bars, listen to some music, have a couple drinks, dance around a bit, get a taxi, maybe catch a movie, then head to the Observation Deck and screw around all night under the stars?

(_Johnny looks at him funny_.)

**Ace Levy**: With chicks, dude! With chicks!

**Johnny Rico**: Oh…

**Ace Levy**: Yeah, chicks—not your girlfriend—but totally not with me, dude, 'cuz, you know…

**Johnny Rico**: 'Cuz that'd be weird.

**Ace Levy**: Oh, yeah, totally. Totally.

* * *

Outtake #19: 

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Young people all over the globe are joining up to save the future. And to pay for their future homes and families, and very likely their extensive hospital bills, with modest veterans benefits.

* * *

Outtake #20: 

**Jean Rasczak**: Come on, you apes! You want to live forever?!

**Private Sugar Watkins**: Actually, I always wanted to die at 60.

**Jean Rasczak**: Shut the hell up!

* * *

Outtake #21: 

_(Inside an Arachnid study laboratory)_

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Every day, Federal scientists are looking for new ways to kill bugs. With more information, Doogie Houser, M.D., had the following to say:

**Carl Jenkins**: Good evening. I'm Carl Jenkins. Doogie Houser is on vacation. Your basic Arachnid warrior isn't too smart—most bugs are pretty stupid to begin with, as their average brain size is three-quarters smaller than ours. But you can blow off a limb, (_shoots an Arachnid warrior's limb off) _and it's still 86 percent combat effective. The rest of its limbs will work in conjunction with its powerful jaws and fangs to rip the average man to ribbons. Here's a tip: Aim for the nerve stem, and put the son of a bitch down for good.

(_He demonstrates this on the bug, which explodes in a mess of goo and exoskeleton)_

**Carl Jenkins**: (_to the viewers again_) If for any reason at all you miss the nerve stem, for the love of all that is good and patriotic, _keep firing_. If for any reason at all you keep firing and _still_ can't hit the nerve stem, well, sucks to be you. (_grinning_) Especially if your name is Johnny Rico. You're fucking dead, buddy.

* * *

Outtake #22: 

(_Johhny Rico is radio-ing for help_.)

**Johnny Rico**: This is Roughneck Two-Zero-One. I request retrieval now! This place crawls, sir!

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) I'm sorry, Roughneck Two-Zero-One, you're not authorized to make that request.

**Johnny Rico**: What?

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) My records indicate that you serve in the Roughnecks under Lieutenant Jean Rasczak.

**Johnny Rico**: I know that—

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) —then surely you're aware that Lieutenant Rasczak is the only member of your company who is authorized to request—

**Johnny Rico**: —Rasczak's dead, sir.

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) Dead?

**Johnny Rico**: Bug-chow, sir—he passed command to me.

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) Hmm, it's not in my records…

**Johnny Rico**: It happened 15 minutes ago.

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_., _annoyed_) Hold please.

(_Pause, as muzak plays briefly_.)

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) I'm still not seeing any record of the transmission of power, Roughneck Two-Zero-One.

**Johnny Rico**: He made me corporal, sir. And since Lieutenant Rasczak is bug-chow and unable to request a _sandwich_, let alone rescue, I'm next in the line of command here and my company is in dire need of _immediate_ retrieval—do you get me, sir?!

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) All right, all right, already! Sheesh. Reason for retrieval?

**Johnny Rico**: (_frustrated_) I just said, sir—this place crawls!

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) Approximately how many bugs are you dealing with, Roughneck Two-Zero-One?

**Johnny Rico**: Oh, god, I can't even count right now—we're surrounded on all sides, and the rest of the soldiers in the complex are either wounded, dead or dying! We need retrieval _now_, sir!

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) What is your location?

**Johnny Rico**: You _know_ our location—come get us already!

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) Yes, Roughneck Two-Zero-One, we know _your_ location. Tracing radio transmissions is child's play. But, more importantly, we need to know the location of the nearest landing pad in order to guarantee the fastest, safest, most orderly retrieval possible, and our records indicate that there is no landing pad in your general area—

**Johnny Rico**: —Come down on this transmission!

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) Come again, Two-Zero-One?

**Johnny Rico**: (_at wit's end_) You heard me, jackass! We've got bugs north, south, east, west and _coming up our asses_! Screw the landing pad! Screw orderly retrieval! Come down on this goddamn transmission!

(_Pause_.)

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_., _confused_) On the outpost?

**Johnny Rico**: YES!

(_Pause_.)

**Radio operator**: (_V_._O_.) Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. There's no landing pad, you're surrounded by bugs, and you want us to get one of our retrieval units in there a_nyway_—even though what you're asking me to have the retrieval unit do is likely going to damage the unit in question, and you'll all be dead by the time that happens? That's crazy!

**Johnny Rico**: Well, I hope you have a crazy pilot. Out. (_hangs up_) Fucking bureaucrats…

* * *

Outtake #23: 

**Lieutenant Willy**: Remember your training, and you will make it out alive! Provided, of course, that you don't crap yourself first…

* * *

Outtake #24: 

**Jean Rasczak**: They sucked his brains out.

**Ace Levy**: Heh heh, that's what she said—

**Jean Rasczak**: —Shut your ass, Levy.

* * *

Outtake #25: 

**Jean Rasczak**: Welcome to the Roughnecks. I hope you don't have sensitive skin.

* * *

Outtake #26: 

(_Johnny Rico has taken command of the Roughnecks_.)

**Johnny Rico**: (_to the soldiers_) These are the rules. Everybody fights, nobody quits. If you don't do your job, I'll kill you myself. Welcome to the Roughnecks.

**Private Sugar Watkins**: Rico's Roughnecks!

(_Pause_.)

**Private Sugar Watkins**: Damn it, that just doesn't have the same ring to it…

**Johnny Rico**: (_in hushed tones_) Quiet, Watkins—don't ruin this for me.

* * *

Outtake #27: 

**Jean Rasczak**: (_to Johnny Rico_) I need a corporal. You're it, until you're dead or I find someone better. Or until Command sends somebody in—goddamn it, they fucking _better_ send somebody in…

* * *

Outtake #28: 

**Johnny Rico**: Who are these kids?

**Ace Levy**: We got reinforced. Most of them are fresh out of boot.

**Johnny Rico**: We're the old men, Ace.

**Ace Levy**: No we're not. They just lowered the minimum military service age to sixteen. It's all good, dude—we're still studs.

* * *

Outtake #29: 

**Career Sergeant Zim**: Anytime you think I'm being too rough, anytime you think I'm being too tough, anytime you miss-your-mommy, QUIT! That's right—I said QUIT. Quitting's the easiest fucking thing you'll ever do. You sign your 1248, you get your gear, and you take a stroll down washout lane. Failure avenue. Fucking loser alley! Do you get me?

**Recruit #2**: Sir, can I get my 1248, sir?

**Career Sergeant Zim**: Oh! Look, everyone! Not five fucking minutes into the orientation, and we got one already! Did I scare the poor little loser wuss-out?

**Recruit #2**: Sir, no, I just think this whole outfit blows goats. I want out, sir.

(_Zim gets up in the recruit's face_.)

**Career Sergeant Zim**: You "want out," loser?

**Recruit #2**: Sir, yes, I do, sir.

(_Zim backhands the recruit in the face_.)

**Career Sergeant Zim**: Well, too fucking bad, asswipe. You're under contract for two tours of duty, so suck it up and deal with it.

**Recruit #2**: Sir, you just said—

(_Zim backhands him again_.)

**Career Sergeant Zim**: Don't you fucking back-talk me, soldier. You're in the Mobile Infantry—and nothing short of corn-holing another soldier is going to change that.

(_The recruit eyes Dizzy Flores_.)

**Career Sergeant Zim**: A MALE soldier, you dickcheese!

* * *

Outtake #30: 

**Ace Levy**: Everybody needs a friend like me. I got mad violin skillz, I can blast the fuck out of those bug bastards... And, best of all, (_whispering_) I know where Watkins stashed his weed!

* * *

Outtake #31: 

(_Ace is having difficulty with a lesson in throwing knives._)

**Ace Levy**: Sir, I don't understand. What goods' a knife in a nuke-fight? All you have to do is press a button, sir.

**Career Sergeant Zim**: Put your hand on that wall, trooper. PUT YOUR HAND ON THAT WALL!

(_Ace puts his hand on the wall_. _Zim throws a knife and hits Ace's hand, pinning it to the wall. Ace cries in anguish._)

**Career Sergeant Zim**: The enemy cannot press a button... if you have disabled his hand. (_calling_) Medic!

**Ace Levy**: (_screaming in pain_) Sir, bugs don't fucking have hands, sir!

**Career Sergeant Zim**: (_shouting to the medic_) Be sure to jam a gag in him—he's talking crazy-talk!

* * *

Outtake #32: 

(_The Roughnecks are being attacked by the Arachnids_.)

**Johnny Rico**: I hear you got a bug problem, ma'am?

**Corporal Birdie**: Oh, fuck you, Rico!

* * *

Outtake #33: 

(_Zander and Carmen have come across the Brain Bug and have been pinned down to become its next meals_.)

**Zander Barcalow**: One day someone like me is gonna kill you and your whole fucking race!

**Brain Bug**: BRAAAAAAAAINS…

(_Carmen shrieks in horror as the Brain Bug sticks its sticker in Zander's skull and sucks out his brains like a smoothie_.)

**Brain Bug**: (_V_._O_.) Hmmm… Hamlet… (_sucks some more_) Eew! Melrose Place! (_hacks and spits_)

* * *

Outtake #34: 

**Private Sugar Watkins**: Gimme the nuke.

**Johnny Rico**: You trying to be a hero, Watkins?

**Private Sugar Watkins**: (_low_) If I play my cards right…

**Johnny Rico**: Come again?

**Private Sugar Watkins**: Just trying to kill some bugs, sir.

* * *

Outtake #35: 

**Ace Levy**: Don't worry, you still got me to kick around.

**Johnny Rico**: Literally or metaphorically?

**Ace Levy**: Whatever floats your boat, dude.

* * *

Outtake #36: 

_(While arriving at the Fleet Station, Carmen and Zander witness the destruction that the failed Klendathu invasion has caused)_

**Zander Barcalow**: (_shocked_) My God. How could this happen?

**Carmen Ibanez**: We thought we were smarter than the Bugs.

**Zander Barcalow**: But we have computers and laser canons! How could we get our asses kicked so badly by a bunch of gross, ugly, stupid, evil bugs?

(_Pause, as Carmen narrows her eyes at Zander_.)

**Carmen Ibanez**: You are _such_ a moron…

**Zander Barcalow**: Well, you sucked my dick—what does that make you?

**Carmen Ibanez**: Sick to my stomach.

* * *

Outtake #37: 

(_Carl puts his fingers to the frontal lobe of the Brain Bug and psychically probes the captured alien_.)

**Brain Bug**: (_V_._O_.) Eew… it's touching me… Get it off, get it off, get it off…

**Carl Jenkins**: It's afraid.

**Brain Bug**: (_V_._O_.) Get out of my head, Doogie Houser!

**Carl Jenkins**: (_to the others_) It's afraid!

(_All soldiers in the vicinity cheer wildly._)

* * *

Outtake #38: 

(_Reporting on the failed invasion of Klendathu_)

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Crisis for humankind—in spite of years of insistence to the contrary, fleet officials admit they underestimated the Arachnids' defensive capability.

(_Switch over to the Federal council_)

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Accepting responsibility for Klendathu, Sky Marshal Dienes resigns amid allegations of accepting bribes from various weapons companies, lying to various governmental organizations about the justifications for war, and unfounded character assassination of his critics. His successor, Sky Marshal Tehat Maru, outlines her new strategy.

**Sky Marshal Tehat Meru**: To fight the bug, we must understand the bug. It is the one thing we should have done from the beginning that my predecessor—for reasons known only to himself—chose not to do. This task, while complex and laborious, is vital to the overall protection of the human race, and must be implemented immediately. We can ill afford another Klendathu.

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Would you like to know more? Or would you prefer to stab shards of glass into your eyeballs?

* * *

Outtake #39: 

(_The Brain Bug is going to be "analyzed"_... _with a menacing, drill-like object._)

**Brain Bug**: (_V_._O_.) Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! I invoke the Geneva conventions! The Geneva conventions, damn you! Rape! I'll scream rape! Get that thing away from me, you fucking sick bastards! NO MEANS NO! AAAAAGH!

* * *

Outtake #40a: 

(_Jean Rasczak has found Johnny Rico in a tent during the desert party_.)

**Jean Rasczak**: You got 10 minutes to get ready and go.

**Johnny Rico**: Yes sir.

**Jean Rasczak**: Whos's in there with you?

(_He opens the tent flap, to find Dizzy Flores straddling Johnny Rico, and both are topless_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: Flores, sir—

**Jean Rasczak**: —oh for the love of Pete, woman! Put your shirt on! Holy crap! This is the Roughnecks, not the fucking Love Boat!

* * *

Outtake #40b: 

**Jean Rasczak**: Who's in there with you?

(_He opens the tent flap, to find Dizzy Flores straddling Johnny Rico, and both are topless_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: Flores, sir.

(_Pause, as Jean Rasczak sizes up Dizzy_.)

**Jean Rasczak**: Well, I hope you brought some for the rest of the class, Rico.

* * *

Outtake #40c: 

**Jean Rasczak**: Who's in there with you?

(_He opens the tent flap, to find Dizzy Flores straddling Johnny Rico, and both are topless_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: Flores, sir.

**Jean Rasczak**: Make it 20.

**Johnny Rico**: We can do it.

(_Jean Rasczak closes the tent flap_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: No, we can't—

**Johnny Rico**: —yes—

**Dizzy Flores**: —Johnny, no, we can't possibly—

**Johnny Rico**: —Not if you keep flapping your jaw about it and don't get busy.

**Dizzy Flores**: Get busy with what?

**Johnny Rico**: (_indicating his pants_) Me.

**Dizzy Flores**: Oh, for fuck's sake. This is ridiculous.

**Johnny Rico**: What's ridiculous?

**Dizzy Flores**: Everything. We started with foreplay, and the making out, and the upstairs-outsidies, then we got walked in on, and now you want me to "get busy" like nothing fucking happened? This is just silly. I mean, what the hell? What about you? Are you even erect at all?

(_Pause, as Johnny narrows his eyes at her_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: What? What're you looking at me like that for?

**Johnny Rico**: (_repeating her question, incredulously_) Am I erect?

**Dizzy Flores**: It was just a question.

**Johnny Rico**: Am I erect?

**Dizzy Flores**: I don't know. It was a just stupid question—jeez…

**Johnny Rico**: (_accusatory_) What are you saying?

**Dizzy Flores**: Nothing.

**Johnny Rico**: No, what the fuck are you saying, Dizzy?

**Dizzy Flores**: I'm sorry, it was a stupid fucking question, okay? I'm just not feeling it yet, so I can't tell if—

**Johnny Rico**: —You're saying I'm small, aren't you?

**Dizzy Flores**: How the fuck should I know? You haven't even taken your pants off yet!

**Johnny Rico**: I've got half a stock right now!

**Dizzy Flores**: Could've fooled me.

**Johnny Rico**: Great.

**Dizzy Flores**: Johnny, don't do this. Don't be like that.

**Johnny Rico**: That's just fucking great. Thank you. Thanks for being a cock-blocking bitch, Dizzy. Thanks a lot.

**Dizzy Flores**: You don't have to be a dick about it.

**Johnny Rico**: First my girlfriend dumps me. Then my hometown gets blown all to shit. Then I get drunk with you and Levy and get several tattoos that, in retrospect, are ugly as all hell. And now, after years of lusting after me and finally convincing me that you're better than that stupid whore, Carmen—now you don't want to fuck me because my dick's too small and we're running out of time before we ship out, so they'll have no choice but to ship me out with fucking HALF A STOCK IN MY PANTS! Get the fuck off of me! I don't want to do this anymore, goddamn it…

(_Dizzy gets off of him and glares at him_.)

**Dizzy Flores**: No wonder Carmen dumped your ass…

* * *

Outtake #41: 

(_Epilogue_.)

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) We have the ships. We have the weapons. We need soldiers. Soldiers like Lieutenant Stack Lumbreiser...

**Stack Lumbreiser**: Over the target area now, Captain.

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) ...and Captain Carmen Ibanez.

**Carmen Ibanez**: This is the captain speaking. All personnel prepare for drop. And by the way, at thirty-eight-thousand feet above the planet's surface, I _do_ mean drop.

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) Soldiers like Private Ace Levy and Lieutenant John Rico.

**Ace Levy**: WOO-HOO! DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT!

**Johnny Rico**: Come on, you apes! You wanna live forever?!

**Soldier #27**: Does that come with universal healthcare?

**Johnny Rico**: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAMN YOU!

**Newsreel announcer**: (_V_._O_.) We need you all. Service guarantees citizenship—provided you don't accidentally nuke yourself.

* * *

FIN! 


End file.
